Useful advice to consider when involved in a sex tape scandal.
1. If you find yourself in a sticky situation similar to what Paris Hilton faced last week in Toronto -- i.e. you notice that your face is plastered across all the windows of 'XXX Video', advertising your infamous, ill-gotten sex tape -- do not stop to consider that this was the only 'creative' work you ever did that actually grossed more than $50 and garnered any attention.
Instead burst into the store, throw a fit, threaten to sue and spit on people. Notably those capturing it on video. We then advise you to anonymously send Pamela Anderson flowers for marrying the man who co-stars in your sex tape, thereby managing to keep your name in the news.
2. If, like Lauren Conrad from The Hills, you find out through the grape vine of weekly tabloids and reality television rumours that your sex tape has leaked to the Internet, proceed by spending the remainder of your celebrity-starved life a) blaming your ex-best friend for making the whole crazy story up, and b) contacting the leaker of said tape to co-edit out all blemishes and bad hair before it hits the 'net.
3. If you happen to be a member of the Royal Family and find yourself wrapped up in a pesky sex tape scandal involving blackmail, envelopes of cocaine, and an unnamed member of your family this week, claim as much ignorance as possible, pretend you were studying military patterns, and place all blame squarely on those damn waitresses from Canada.
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